I did not love the infant-mom life.
Not only did I not love it, but I was bad at it. Not that I was a bad mom, not at all! My son was cared for and loved, and happy and healthy and that is the goal. Any mom doing her absolute best is not a bad mom. So when I say I was bad at it, I just mean I was not there for it. I was cranky, tired, and completely run down. I was constantly trying to give my newborn to someone, anyone, who would just hold him for a minute. Sure, we bonded, but I did not feel this overwhelming need for him. Every time I evaluated my situation, I could not figure out why my husband and I had chosen this life, and I was hard pressed to believe we would ever do it again. I could not find any joy in the infant months.
As much as I thought my tiny newborn was the most beautiful thing, I often wanted to just give him back. Even when he was not being difficult, oh and he was DIFFICULT, I had this overwhelming heavy feeling that this was what the rest of my life looked like. Mom life. No more me time. No more us time. No more playing my music as loud as I want at any hour. No more eating a bag of chips without someone grabbing at it. No more going out at the last minute. No more relaxed unscheduled days where I was not constantly worried about someone else. I felt like having a baby required me to be on 100% of the time and I hated it.
But I am loving and rocking the heck out of toddler mom life!
Yes, toddler life has its challenges. I mean, come on, I am suddenly dealing with a snarky, quick, opinionated version of myself commingled with an equally stubborn version of Jon. If that is not scary, I do not know what is.
But toddler life has been my season! The simple fact that we now speak the same language has made life so much easier. My son can tell me what hurts instead of just screaming at me. He can ask for things that comfort him like ice on a booboo. He can tell me what he wants for dinner if I ask. He understands what a bribe is and how it works. He is funny and clever and loves to sing Disney songs with me. He can tell me where he put that screw driver I saw him run off with. He understands, “Don’t touch anything with your sticky hands!”
He is able to hold conversations with me about his day at school or tell me a fictional story about the tiger that lives behind our couch. He can share his excitement over his trip to his grandparents’ house.
Even when I am frustrated with him and wishing I could send him back, (because, it still happen) at least we both understand exactly what is going on rather than the two of us just crying together with no clue what to do.
He can be trusted to play in his room by himself and, unless I hear a loud crash, I do not have to make sure he is still alive every two minutes. I can set him on the potty and walk out knowing he will call me when he has finished his business. I can send him outside alone when I need a moment’s peace. I can use him to fetch things or relay information and most of the time those tasks are completed efficiently.
It is like finally having another person in my house instead of a helpless potato that is also really fragile with a lot of needs that he can neither understand nor communicate effectively.
So why, if the idea of being “just a mom” terrifies me so much, did we have a kid in the first place? And why, if it was so miserable, are we still planning to have another baby someday?
Because I once heard, if you feel like you want another baby, look down the road for a minute. Do you see yourself with another toddler going through potty training all over again? Or with two kids in high school? Do you see yourself waiting another eighteen to twenty years to finally have the house to yourself again? Or are you just dreaming of a squishy baby with that sweet smell and their gummy smiles? Do you want another member of your family or do you just want another baby?
Because having babies is not just about having a baby. It is about creating a life to be part of your family forever. It is about having a child that you get to raise into a beautiful adult who will hopefully make a difference in the world. When we think about having another baby, as much as we might dread the thought, we see ourselves, far in the future, with multiple children. We see Cillian with a sibling. And we know that to reach that place, we have to first have another baby and trudge through the winter of parenthood again.
I would do it all again knowing, thankfully, that mom life is all about seasons. It is always changing. If you do not like this season, it does not mean mom life is not for you. If you struggled, it does not mean you are a bad mom. It just means this was not your season. Wait for the next one. The season will change.
XO Beka
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