When my husband and I first became parents, we kind of assumed it would be easy to stay on the same page of our parenting book. We had the same goal, after all; to raise a kind, well adjusted human that we enjoy spending time with. Pretty simple and, as far as goals go, they didn’t seem too out of reach! But as C got older and started having his own opinions, (did anyone else feel like this happened shockingly early?) it became clear to us that we were going to have to put in the work to make him into a person that we liked. The problem was, my husband and I had different ideas of just how to do that.
Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say, my husband and I discipline differently. He is more stern and takes on the roll of the because-I-said-so parent, and I am more wishy-washy. I am the what-ever-you-want parent. I didn’t intend to spoil my son, but if C asked for something and I couldn’t immediately think of a reason not to oblige, I was inclined to acquiesce his request. My husband is the opposite. His default answer is no. This led to C having a favorite parent, me. When I did have to discipline my sweet-faced baby boy, I had a hard time with it. Nothing hurts my heart more than to see those bright blue eyes well up with tears and that plump bottom lip push out even further. I’m a sucker. The problem was though, that my version of discipline never seemed to work, no matter how hard I thought I tried.
If I asked C to do something I know him to be capable of, such as picking up his socks (his future spouse will thank me one day) and he said no, I would threaten with a punishment. If he still declined, I would dispense that punishment appropriately. But when he still said no, and he often did with those misty-eyed baby blues, I couldn’t very well physically make him pick up his socks. You might say, “Of course you can make him! He’s a child and you’re an adult!” Ok, simmer down there, Tina, I’m not about to drag my crying child through the motions of picking up socks. It’s easier to just pick them up myself! So there we are, locked in an epic battle of crying, punishing, pleading, and socks still on the floor for all eternity until I give in and pick them up myself, dooming his future sweetheart to a lifetime of grief. In the end, we are both upset, probably both crying, and I pick up the damn socks. I know in my heart that these small lessons, whether about socks or vegetables or crossing the street, are important to teach him even if they cause strife at the time, but more important than teaching them is Cillian actually learning them.
You can teach all day, but if your students aren’t learning, are you actually teaching anything?
So I decided to change tactics. If I couldn’t discipline effectively, I would reward. Instead of punishing for not doing something that needs to be done, something I would eventually do myself if C would not, I started rewarding (and bribing with rewards) when those tasks were done promptly. I drew up a quick grid on some paper and told C that he would be allowed to draw a smilie face each time he did something good. When it was full of smiles, he would be allowed to buy something special, something he could pick out himself. It was my interpretation of a toddler chore chart and his chores included things like, eating his dinner without a fight, picking up his books, putting his socks in the laundry room, cleaning up his toys, and things like that. I stuck that sucker on the fridge and used ever excuse to talk it up. I wanted it to be surrounded with excitement.
And what do you know, that silly page of smiles actually worked!
We’ve been using this method for three weeks and the mood in our house has become much more positive. Instead of using tears and threats to incentivize, we now use positivity and rewards. If C declines an offer to be helpful, I remind him that he can have a smiley face if he obeys. Sometimes he chides back with, “I don’t want a smiley face!” but usually, once I repeat his own words back to him, he changes his mind and hops-to! I think it takes a moment for him to actually understand the situation and what is at stake. If he insists he does not want a smiley face, I do not fight him. I just do the task myself. More often then not, this upsets him and he cries over the loss of a smiley face. To me, this is a more favorable outcome than punishing – I’ve still done the task myself, but only one of us is crying, and I am able to reassure him that he can try again later. It becomes a teachable moment instead of a battle.
Once the chart was full, C was able to take those happy faces to the store of his choice and pick out one thing. We might have guided him a little since his first request was a drill (No, not a toy. An actual drill.) but he was very pleased with the outcome! Next time we might put a price limit on his surprise since he ended up with a $15 rubber hammer. But just look at his face! He’s happy, and I am so damn proud.
So if you have a stubborn child who doesn’t respond well to the type of punishment you are willing to give, try a reward system instead! After all, even adults do more for the though of something to gain rather than out of the fear of punishment.
XO Beka
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.