Our boys have a large age gap. My first-born was nearly five years old when his younger brother came into this world.
My husband and I did not intend to have such a large age gap between our boys.
In fact, we started trying to get pregnant a second time when our oldest was only two years old. It took us a full year to finally conceive and then our second baby died unexpectantly at nineteen-week gestation. Suddenly our only living child was almost four and we weren’t sure if we would ever be able to give him a living sibling.
Watching that gap grow bigger and bigger as we once again started trying to get pregnant broke me in so many ways.
I was grieving the loss not only of our second son but also of our idea of the perfect age gap between our children. I was scared about what our children’s relationship would be if we did finally have another living baby.
What would their relationship look like?
Would they bond at all?
Would they be able to play together?
Would they have any common interests?
How would my oldest son take to having a baby disrupt our well-established routine?
These kinds of thoughts went through my head daily as I hunted for reassurance that my children would, in fact, be able to love each other and bond despite the still-growing age gap.
I am here now to give you the reassurance that I needed and have since learned from experience.
Cillian is six and Dempsey is one. Let me tell you, mama, they are perfect together. This gap, a full five years, feels so natural. They play well together and are obsessed with each other. They get into little sibling squabbles that make me chuckle as I think about my own siblings. This gap feels right, as I’m sure any gap would. Sometimes I even feel benefits to this bigger gap despite the fact that I would not have chosen it.
1. My older son is able to help
I never want my oldest son to feel like his brother is his responsibility. However, My oldest child loves to be needed. He enjoys being given a task that he can succeed at. Often I will ask him to bring me the baby wipes, or grab a napkin super quick. I think he likes being the hero in our little story. We joke with C that we had him first so that he would bring us things. He likes the opportunity to supervise his brother during snack time or outside play. I think it makes him feel bigger and more important. Having an older and more responsible child feels to me like an extra pair of helping hands!
2. They need different things from me
Baby and children, especially school-aged children, need different parts of their mama. My younger son needs closeness and snuggles and to be breastfed to sleep. My older son needs me to play in the yard and do science experiments with him. It’s nice to feel like I am able to give them each a different part of my energy without feeling completely drained in one area.
3. My oldest is more self-sufficient
Every time I find myself changing a diaper or wiping down a spaghetti-covered toddler (and it is so often that I find myself here) I say a little prayer of thanksgiving that my oldest son is able to manage these things for himself. He can get himself dressed for school or play on his own without supervision. He even can work the TV on a Saturday morning. I so enjoy him being able to do things for himself and while I am enjoying these toddler years again, I am looking forward to the day they are both a little more self-sufficient.
4. They need me at different times
My husband and I do a good job at keeping both our boys on the same schedule with meals, baths, and bedtime. Even so, sometimes both boys need their mama. Because of the bigger age gap, however, they often need me at different times. Our littler one required more attention in the morning. Our older one likes afternoon time with mama while his brother is napping. At bedtime, Cillian can get himself ready for bed and wait for me to tuck him in after I nurse Dempsey to sleep. It all seems to align nicely because of this bigger age gap.
5. My oldest understands more
Sometimes I think that if my boys were closer in age, it would be harder to explain to my older son how fragile the baby is. Because Cillian was nearly five when Dempsey was born, he had a full vocabulary and comprehension. We were able to easily convey to him how to handle his baby brother. He knew that he was fragile and not to press his soft spot. He knew to be quiet when the baby was sleeping. Even now, over a year later, Cillian knows how to speak to his brother in a way that he can understand.
If given the chance, would I have chosen this age gap? No.
Would I change it if it meant our middle son was still alive? Yes.
Do I hate the way this turned out? No.
Do I think my two living boys’ relationship is ruined because they are not closer in age? Absolutely not.
So if you’re worried about the age gap and thinking your child is too old to adapt to a sibling, don’t worry, Mama. No matter what your family looks like, it will always feel natural and meant to be.
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