We’ve all heard it, the well meaning comment of those who have never known the struggle. “Just relax!” That is what they think it takes to get pregnant. But relaxing when you are ready for a baby and it’s just not happening quickly enough is easier said than done. How can you be expected to just relax when every month you’re making sure you take prenatals and avoid hot tubs and have scheduled sex and give up alcohol and sushi for two weeks just in case. You can’t keep all those things in your mid while relaxing, but if you don’t keep them in your mind you might forget and drink too much one evening and then wonder if that is why you didn’t conceive that month. It’s a vicious cycle. I’ve been through it twice for a total of eighteen months and each month is more emotionally charged than the last.
Telling someone who is trying to relax to “just relax” is like telling someone who wants to learn to play guitar to “just play!” and it’s just as helpful. While relaxing might make trying to conceive (TTC) a little less stressful, it is not going to magically solve infertility issues or make you fall pregnant. If relaxing while TTC is your goal, here are some tips that actually helped me.
Record your symptoms
Imagine you’re five days post ovulation (DPO) and you’re starting to feel things – nausea, bloating, gas, tender breasts, heightened sense of smell – all the things that point to pregnancy but also an approaching period. Even when you start cramping and spotting at the end two week wait (TWW) you think it might be implantation rather than menstruation! You get so worked up believing you MUST be pregnant! Then when your period starts right on time, you think, “Of course all those things were just PMS” because you know that early pregnancy and PMS are often indecipherable. But by next month, you’ll forget that those things always precede your period and you’ll get wrapped up in the thought that these ever familiar symptoms must mean early pregnancy yet again.
Keeping a journal can help remind you not to get too excited with each little symptom. It will allow you to compare this month to last month day by day. Keep the format simple, either in a journal or an app on your phone.
Example:
- Cycle day 25, 7 DPO
- Slight cramping
- Tender breasts
- Mood swings
- Acne
Journal any thoughts, emotions, or dreams
Both times before seeing my positive pregnancy tests, I have had very vivid dreams of watching the lines appear on the test. When that very thing happened, I took it as a sign that I knew I was pregnant even before I tested. But I’d forgotten the number of times I’d had that dream followed by a negative test. Our minds often hold on to things that proved true rather than those that proved false.
Each month as you have feelings of “knowing” you’re pregnant or have dreams of babies and positive tests, write them down. Next month when the same thing happens and you are just sure you’re pregnant this time, reference back to how you felt last month. Compare the two and remind yourself that you have these sure feelings and dreams every month, even on the negative ones. See them for what they truly are, beautiful reminders of what you want so deeply and your never ebbing hope, but don’t allow them to pull your emotions so high that you crash once your period arrives. Use them as a reminder not to convince yourself you know more than you actually do.
Buy tests in bulk online
Pregnancy tests from a drug store are not cheap. They cost about $14 for two tests that you will most likely buy every month, because, let’s be honest, no one tests just once a month. We somehow manage to convince ourselves that we tested too early or that it doesn’t count because it wasn’t with first morning urine (FMU), or that the test was faulty. It ends up costing us more than a Netflix subscription but unlike Netflix, it can’t be used on multiple screens. Tests available in bulk are often smaller, have less plastic waste, and can be as cheap as $.40 a test. It also saves you from that overly emotional trip to the drug store, the one where you pray the whole way down the tampon isle that this will be the last test you have to buy and hope the cashier sends you good vibes as she rings up your test. It also saves you money so you can justify testing multiple times a month.
Test without shame or guilt
Each time when my husband and I were TTC, we both obviously knew what our desired outcome was and we both knew that each month we’d wait for an answer. While my husband might have been able to count days in a cycle, he was not as acutely aware as I was about when to test. I’d often plan to test on a Saturday morning a few days before my missed period so I could better plan my weekend shenanigans. I’d always dream of tests and wake up before the alarm to sneak into the bathroom and test my FMU as quietly as possible. When the test was negative, I’d hide it deep in the garbage can after digging it out to check it twice more. I always felt embarrassed that I tested only to get a negative result. I had convinced myself that if I was testing, it was because I believed I was pregnant and now looked stupid for believing it with no proof. Let go of that stigma. You need an answer so you can plan your activities, even if that answer is no. Accepting that there is no embarrassment in that takes a lot of the emotions out of the situation. Don’t feel like you have to test in secret unless you are looking forward to surprising your partner in a big way. Tell them you are going to test. Mark it on your calendar and look forward to it in a realistically grounded way. Expect both results, not just a positive one. When the results are negative, share them with your partner. There is no shame in a negative pregnancy test but there is sure to be disappointment. Sharing can take part of the weight off your heart.
Don’t pretend you aren’t hurting
You don’t have to be as vocal with your feelings as I am. I’m here to share feelings for both of us. But there is no reason to pretend you aren’t disappointment each month. You don’t have to act as if you aren’t a little bit excited every month at 14 DPO. You can share that you want this to happen. You can admit you pray about it. Sharing those things lets the energy out. Remember that old science lesson, “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed”? They made a whole law out of it. It’s the same with emotional energy. You can keep it in but it is going to be there in one form or another. Negative energy that is kept in often turns into anxiety and finds a way out in the form of tears, rage, outbursts, and other things that cause you to be labeled as hormonal, unstable, or moody. If you can, let that energy out in a healthy way – words spoken out loud, writing, creative expression, or just one deep sigh. Don’t let it accumulate month after month.
Have a monthly contingency plan
Each month, plan something for when you are certain you are not pregnant, something you fully enjoy but know you’d have to give up while pregnant. Sushi, a hot tub party, an adult beverage, a shower hot enough to melt your skin, whatever feels like self-care to you. For me, it was often a platter of soft cheeses and cured meats accompanied by a bottle of wine. Don’t make it a pity part. Keep your mood positive while soaking in the alone time. Take full advantage of all the things you can do now instead of focusing on all the things you want but don’t yet have. I know that you would happily trade all of this for the growing belly and sciatica pain that comes with pregnancy, but this is not a simple barter system. It if were, there would be a lot less infertility in the world. Use your consolation prize to try to keep your spirits from plummeting.
Know you’re not alone
This one is probably the least helpful, but you are not the only one who struggles with the monthly emotional roller coaster that is TTC. Find yourself a nice support system either in real life – sisters, friends, your mother, anyone who won’t add to the stress – or online! There are many Facebook groups, and Instagram accounts that offer support, tips, and encouragement by sharing their own TTC journeys.
XO Beka
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.