Reframing our views on a Trigger Warning
A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma.
Goodtherapy.org
Since Miles died, I’ve been bombarded with trigger warnings. I find myself constantly reassuring others and reminding myself that I am not triggered by seeing other pregnancies or babies. That pregnant mother did not steal my pregnancy. That baby is not mine. Her fertility is her own. My baby died. Hers lived. But they have nothing to do with each other. I have no feelings of begrudging towards her. While I might feel a little sad for me, seeing someone else’s joy does not increase my pain. It might bring it a little closer to the surface but really, it wasn’t ever far.
I recently had a thought while watching the newest season of Call the Midwife. If you’ve never seen it, it’s about a troop of British midwives through the 50s and 60s. It portrays the reality of being a mother in those times through happy healthy pregnancies, and births full of raw emotion. This show portrays parents beaming in the light of their new babies. It also shows difficult situations like illness, pregnancy complications, even stillbirth and infant death. I watched the first season while I was heavily pregnant with Cillian and even then it made me cry at nearly every episode. I vividly remember holding my big round belly and sobbing into a bowl of cheerios late one night.
My recent thought was, “How triggering this show must be for some. Good thing I’m not triggered by it.” The ironic part was, while having this thought, I was wiping tears off my chin. Then I started thinking about triggers and what they really are.
Triggers are not to be avoided
Most of the time, when I think of a trigger I think of something to avoid. “Being triggered” is not something anyone wants. A trigger could cause a panic attack or a PTS flashback. That is why we often see “Trigger warning” at the top of posts that might remind us of our past traumas, cautioning us to stay away. Then I thought about how, through my grieving process, I have been cautioned not to avoid feelings. If a feeling comes up, I should honor it and make room for it. I should feel it. If you begin to ignore painful feelings and stuff them away, they never truly heal. They just grow and fester until they can no longer be ignored. So why should I avoid things that make me feel? Why are triggers things I should run from?
That’s when I realized, it’s not that I am not triggered, it’s just that I don’t try to avoid my triggers. They aren’t scary because the feelings aren’t something to be scared of. They don’t cause more pain because the pain has yet to leave. So while posters of pregnant women plastered in my doctor’s office will undoubtedly make me think about Miles and what this fall would or should have been like, those feelings are not my enemy. They are welcome here. I honor them. I’m triggered and I embrace it.
Grief is the last act of love we can give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love
Unknown
And oh how I love you, Miles.
If you’ve lost a baby, you are still working through grief and you will for the rest of your life. But that doesn’t mean it has to be a battle. If we reframe our grief as LOVE, how much more would be embrace it? Or even welcome it?
My Guide titled Own Your Story was written for YOU for this purpose.
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