“That risk you’re scared to take could change your life”
Geez, how many times have you seen that quote repinned and reblogged and reposted and shared? If you run in any of the same circles I run in, probably a million. I know it has good intentions. It’s meant to be an encouragement. It’s supposed to say, “Stop worrying about what others think and do what you want.” But what it really says is, “Try anything and everything in an attempt to change your life.” But why?
When I was a new mom, I felt alone. I felt like I had stepped into another realm of life and had left everyone I knew behind. I was struggling with what I now recognize as postpartum depression, but at the time thought was just simple discontentment. I was unhappy and lonely and bored. What a joke, right? I was in a constant state of newness with someone literally hanging from me all the time and I was lonely and bored. I was searching for something and I didn’t know what it was, but knew that when I found it, it would make me happy.
I started looking at other people who seemed happy and I found they all said the same things I was feeling. Their lives, on paper, were full. They had accumulated everything they wanted out of life – the college degree, the job, the family, the house – and yet they were unhappy with that and were searching until they found something else – their higher calling. Their purpose! – and finally they were happy. They just had to take The Risk!
I started surrounding myself with others who were taking risks, starting their own businesses, hustling, trying to change their lives and I realized I felt what they were saying. Their unhappiness, despite their full and blessed lives, was a sign that they were still searching for their true selves and they all said, no, shouted that that was ok! That they were allowed to be unhappy despite insurmountable blessings. Finally, I allowed myself to admit it too. I had everything I had ever prayed for, searched for, worked for, and yet I was unhappy. A strong marriage, a good job, a nice house, a beautiful kid, and a fancy car did not and would never equal happiness if I was missing my life’s purpose. I didn’t know what the purpose was but dammit, I was going to search for it! I was going to take all The Risks!
At the urging of many friends and the encouragement of my husband, started a blog! I took that risk hoping it would change my life and in some ways, it did! It lead me to a community of empowered women and mom-preneurs who were all changing their own lives. It led me to a fitness community that I finally committed to and overhauled my health. I made some online connections and some real life friends.
But guess what, for all the changes it made to my life, it didn’t actually make me happy. What? But I was taking The Risk and changing my life and pursuing my true purpose of…what, exactly? Taking pretty pictures and giving them heart felt captions? Showing others how I fit working out into my busy working-mom schedule? Sampling health foods and skin care products and earning some cash? That must has been it. Monetizing my online presence had been the goal, right? But none of that, even on top of my life brimming with blessings was making me happy.
Don’t get me wrong, if you asked if I was happy you would get a resounding yes! I could gush for hours about life’s blessings and the beauty of it all while I was full steam ahead but each and every time I slowed down, that feeling of boredom and discontentment crept in again. Then that voice would come back, “Take The Risk and change your life.” But I thought I had taken The Risk! Maybe it wasn’t big enough. There was more I could do. I could work harder and strive for bigger things! Bigger still!
And then one day, I woke up and looked around me. I was struggling with constant headaches. Constant attachment. Constant burnout. I felt guilty any time I was sitting still. I’d actually ask my husband to reassure me that I wasn’t shirking some responsibility somewhere and letting everyone down by watching Netflix for two hours. I’d get this overwhelming feeling that I had done something wrong and was about to pay for it. I was a child waiting for my dad to see what I’d done and punish me for it. But all I was doing was sitting still.
I realized I didn’t want to be doing any of what I was doing… I mean, I did. It was fun and I was choosing to do it. I love having my blog. I love to write. I love to put flurries of words together to create a snowstorm. I love to feel like I am heard. Who doesn’t? But if I was honest, I was only doing it to try to fill this Happiness mug that seemed to be empty. Why was monetizing my online presence my goal? I work full time and I have little or no desire to stay home with my son. It’s just not my style. My style is having someone else handle nap time and lunch five days a week and not feeling bad about it. When did passing 2000 followers on Instagram become something I was willing to agonize over? I don’t know any of these people, and most of them add nothing to my real life. Why was I doing this? Why was I so desperate to have The Risk change my life?
You see, I wasn’t really searching for my true purpose or my higher calling. I was searching for happiness. But here is what all those encouraging quotes about heart and hustle forget to tell us – No amount of additions or changes to our lives are going to make us happy if we can’t first be happy right where we are. I was right, a marriage, a family, a home, a beautiful life do not and will not ever equal happiness if we are not willing to simply be happy with them. Finding our life’s mission also won’t make us happy if we don’t have any idea how to be happy with what we have. I’m not some deep scholarly happiness expert, but I have come to believe that happiness is a state of mind and not the result of taking The Risk. It’s not something we can collect in our oversized mugs and sip from when we start to feel unhappy.
So here’s the real thing, in stead of taking The Risk and hoping it changes your life, look at your life and really decide if it needs to be changed or if you need to be changed. Chances are, what you have is everything you need and instead of filling that hole with stuff and things and The Risk and changes, you need to just sit in it yourself.
The more I searched for The Risk big enough to change my life, they more I realized, I do not want my life to change. Progress, improve, and perhaps evolve but certainly not change. I’d much rather just fall in love with the one I have right here and now.
XO Beka
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