All moms, regardless of how they feed their babies, need support. But often, especially with a breastfeeding mom, we hear, “There is nothing he can do!” because 100% of the feeding falls on Mom and a lot of those early months are feeding. It can be frustrating to feel like you, as the mom, have to be on 100% of the time, always nursing, getting up through the night, and being the number one source of food and comfort. It can be even more frustrating when your partner is willing to help but neither of you knows how he can. He sees you responding to your child and knows you are tired but what can he do with his useless nipples? Let me tell you, he can do a lot to support a breastfeeding mom.
Here are just a few ways Dad (or any non-breastfeeding support person) can support Mom in these postpartum months.
1. Bring mom water and snacks
I’m sure there is a scientific reason but whenever a mom sits down to nurse, the thirst is real! It’s like a desert suddenly erupts in your mouth. The best way to keep water handy while nursing is to have a refillable water bottle with a wide stable base, and a closing lid to protect from spills. It should be easy to open with one hand. Dad should be on call to fill that bottle whenever Mom sits down to nurse the baby. Bonus points if he fills it without being asked.
2. Take on more of the house load
Let me remind you that dads are capable of folding laundry, going to the grocery store, planning and cooking dinner, washing dishes, and cleaning. Just because it might not have been a part of their role before, does not mean they can’t add it to their role now. If Mom does not have to worry about doing all the other things after she’s done nursing the baby, she can relax and enjoy the time a little bit more.
3. Assume a more primary role with older children
Older kids don’t magically need less attention once a baby is born and the firstborn may still feel entitled to 100% of the attention. This is where the other parent needs to step in. They should connect with the other children in an intentional way so their attention bucket (every kid has one) gets filled each day. Let them know Dad is the one to call if they need help or are hungry. Mom can focus on herself and the baby knowing the older kids are still getting the care they need.
4. Bring Mom the baby at night
Personally, I preferred to nurse in the baby’s room in the rocking chair. It was more comfortable and kept Baby in their sleep environment all night instead of moving through the house. But some mamas may prefer to nurse in bed and yes, I understand many cosleep. But for those who do not, when the baby cries, Dad can get out of bed and go get the baby, comforting them while he delivers them to Mom. Not only does this let Mom know that he is involved and invested, but it also lets her rest her body a little bit more.
5. Take baby back to their bed
The direct flip side of bringing the baby to Mom is taking the baby back to their own space and lulling them to sleep if the boob didn’t do the job. Mom can go back to sleep immediately whether or not the baby does. Trust me, she used more energy making milk and feeding the baby than Dad will walking the baby back to bed.
6. Change the baby in the middle of the night
If the baby needs to have their diaper or clothes changed, Dad can do so while mom settles herself back to sleep. This allows mom a few extra precious minutes of rest. Every minute can help. It also shows Mom that Dad is present and ready to be involved in whatever capacity he can.
7. Sit up with the baby when they won’t go back to sleep
If the baby does not go back to sleep (some have split nights where they are wakeful for hours in the middle of the night) Dad should take that “shift” and sit up with the baby in a dark and quiet space. This is not the time to play video games as the blue lights will signal to the baby (and to Dad) that this is an appropriate wake time. Dad should do his part to help lay good sleep foundations. Now, Mom can catch up on some sleep until she needs to nurse the baby again. It probably won’t be very long.
8. Make sure Mom is eating enough calories
While the mom holds the baby, others should hold the mom. The number one thing new moms forget is to eat and to eat enough. While Mom is spending 25% of her energy making and producing milk, Dad can make sure she is eating nutritious foods that will aid her body in healing and producing milk. Bring her nutritious, warm snacks whenever possible but especially when she sits to nurse the baby.
9. Do more of the pre-bed routine
Whether your bedtime routine is a bath and a book or a lotion massage and snuggles, Dad can take a more active role in it. This not only makes Mom feel like she is not alone in the parenting endeavors, but it also gives her some time to do something without a small child clamoring for her. She can take a hot shower without spectators, enjoy a cup of tea, or simply sit alone in silence until she is needed. This goes for older children as well. Tuck them in with stories and a lullaby while mom nurses the baby. Just maybe you’ll get some time to just the two of you while all the little ones sleep.
10. Wake with Mom each time and reassure her that you are there for her
Simply being awake, rubbing her back, and telling her she’s doing a great job can make a mother feel less alone and more supported. Dad snoring next to her while she’s feeding the baby at all hours of the night might make her feel as if she is the only one in the sleepless trenches. I know the argument about how Dad needs sleep because he has to return to work in the morning but Mom also has a lot she needs to be present for during the day. She isn’t doing any less by being home with the baby.
Mom and Dad are a team. If the ship goes down, they go down together. If Mom is drowning, the family will not stay afloat. This is why, even though breastfeeding can only be done by the Mom, there is so much the other parent or partner can AND SHOULD do to help and support her efforts.
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